ok. my shitass computer at home if not letting me access my blogger, SO. I will post on my xanga instead (but school computer shall soon usurp (sp?) this one and THEN I will return to the Blogger world). But for now...I will return to my blogging roots.
Xanga.
well.
To begin with...I am a sentimental fool. Anyone can real old posts and see this spelled out for them in black and white, so why bother with pretense? I just watched the two hour season finale of Greys Anatomy, a show which I have not followed in the year, but one that I do enjoy when I happen to catch it. Moral of the story, I cried at the end. Of course my responce was to stifle the tears, it's just a show, I shouldn't get so emotional, but really...why not? I mean...ok. ok. ok . Yes, I will cry at the drop of a hat, it may not seem like it, but I really do "cry" very very easily. A touching comercial can move me to tear up, but I mean...if it REALLY touches you...then why not? I mean, ok, I KNOW how silly I sound but WHATEVER. I began this xanga more as my own personal journal than a "blog" anyways, so fuck whatever ya'lls think, but what I want to know is...why is feeling so bad?
when did we decided as a culture that we should hide our feelings, and that would make us a better, stonger people?
I mean...the whole of the world is based upon our feelings. Good, bad, mediocre, EVERYTHING is relative to feeling.
Though shalt not murder?
why?
because it makes feel bad? It feel wrong to us? ok then. feelings have the majority.
so...why do we as people have such a complex showing or sharing our TRUE feelings with one another?
clearly I mean to be touching on more than just my own sentimentality towards television...
I guess because...feelings can be scary. they can be the epitome of irrational. they can hurt. they can break your world apart....
...and yet we crave them so?
we as people CRAVE connection. we have some irrepresible need to HAVE something, someone. I am one of the biggest culprits...I need people in my life. I need a love, I need a friend...I need connection and attention and contact. I have discovered I need and want much more than I had previously thought I did. It's not a bad thing...just...different. than I had thought. while I am very self sufficient, I still need something more...which is not really anything spectacular...I kind of think I am in the norm with this one...but still...I like to think I am special because, well...who doesn't? I mean, we are from our own Wurble Durble Universe ; ) but seriously...
I am so enticed by the power of something viewed as so arbitrary. I was watching Jerry Springer: the Opera today (follow me on this one...) and I couldn't help but notice...the only reason any of these sleezy shows exists is because of the pain in the other person...that pain with causes them to react in some "rediculous" way and thus makes it interesting to watch. yes yes, in those shows SO much is an act yadda yadda yadda, I'm not trying to put these people on any kind of pedestal, it's simply an example as to how BASIC these needs are.
the need for feeling.
love, hate...whichever gets your goat.
end of the summer/beginning of freshman year I was ready to be single. unattatched. free for fun and learning and growing.
that phase has passed for me now. I'm ready again for love. I'm ready for a relationship.
I guess that has made me more setimental? maybe just more in the mood for heartfelt feeling. I miss being so caught up in a person that I would disregard my common sense just for another hour on the phone with him...even for the heartache and the worry.
but then again....I am a very silly girl sometimes....as much as I can see it and hate it....I can be very silly....though I do think I can have some firm feet on the ground and head planted as solidly as those feet most of the time....
...I like to think so at least....
whatever. I babble. I rant.
I splurge these personal thoughts on to the internet in front of whoever happens to pass by them, and to what avail? I really don't know. It does kind of make me feel better to get them off my chest. and I am still working on on the motivation to build my own peronal journal...so I guess I still have this more for ME than anyone else...
...but it can be a nice thought to think that maybe someone will read this and not disagree?
meh.
no biggie.
I do what I can.
...
I miss xanga.
peace children. | 
